Tucker is Gone

Tucker: October 2011 to August 2019

Tucker: October 2011 to August 2019

Tucker is gone. 

The only thing I will say about his passing is that I made sure he didn’t suffer, and he left this world from one of his favorite places in our yard where he could see and smell and hear the sounds of life around him and in our the woods. I cradled his head in my lap, telling him what a good dog he was and that I loved him deeply. Brian was next to him, touching him. Jasper and Lilah were right there as well.

I’d rather write about his life, and I will, when I can get the words to flow instead of—or in spite of—the tears. 

Last night, Lilah kept looking for him, asking to go outside, looking around the yard, and then coming inside and wandering the house. Back outside, she’d refuse to come in, as if she were waiting for him.

Lilah, I am waiting for him, too.

Jasper slept fitfully last night. This morning, as I sobbed while curled up in Tucker’s bed, trying in vain to inhale his scent, howling my anguish, Jasper cried at me, wagging his tail and offering a play bow. He looked around our bedroom, as if he wanted to give me a toy to make me feel better.

Thank you Jasper. You are a sweet and caring dog.

And Calvin—who was Tucker’s feline buddy—kept visiting me during the day yesterday, settling himself in my lap, reaching out with a comforting paw, and offering the solace of purrs.

Calvin, you were a wonderful friend to Tucker, and a kind and empathetic cat.

I am broken. Gutted. Bereft. There is a Tucker-shaped hole in my heart, in my home, in my life. 

I don’t know how to navigate this life without.

Without my sidekick, my buddy, my full-of-life terrier, my friend.

Without special Tucker hugs, offered freely and appreciated by anyone who he gave them to.

Without his voice, telling me about the deer, the fox, the UPS guy.

Without throwing a ball or a toy again and again, and having it brought back to me with joy and slobber.

Without that sweet goofy, upside-down grin as he stretched in his bed.

Without his nightly rearrangement of our couch or sofa, as he made a nest. 

Without being able to snuggle his warm, solid, furry body and whispering words of love into his silky ears.

Without that rubbable belly, that silly grin, those adorable eyes, that ever-wagging tail, those ear tufts blowing in the wind.

Without the dog who always knew when I was sad or hurt or upset, and would be the first to come and comfort me.

Without petting his body in all the places—soft and scruffy—and the touch from his paw if I stopped, as he asked for more.

I wanted more. More time with Tucker. He brought a effervescent brightness to my life. Perhaps he put all his living into the eight short years I knew him.  Now, a light has gone out, and I am plunged into darkness.

54 Comments on "Tucker is Gone"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Joan Durbin says:

    Extremely sad. I really do feel your pain, even though that sounds like a cliche it is absolutely true. It is heartbreaking to lose such a sweet, dear friend. Grieve as hard and as long as you need.

    • Thank you. The grieving is hard for all of us. And I know the pain. I feel it when friends and family and even people I don’t know lose their pets. This time, of course, it’s personal, and devastating. Thank you for your kind and caring words.

  2. meowmeowmans says:

    We are heartbroken to read this news of your beloved Tucker’s passing. I have said it before, but I have long loved Tucker from afar, and I am so grateful that you shared him with all of us. Please know that you are in our thoughts, and we send gentle purrs and prayers of comfort to you as you mourn your one-of-a-kind boy.

    • Thank you. I know you’ve been a Tucker fan for a while. It means the world to me that he touched other people’s lives, and brings me comfort. Thank you for your kindness, caring, and support.

  3. Kamira G says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this news about Tucker. He was your heart dog. I totally understand your pain. From one pet parent to another, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you only positive vibes. Tucker had the best mom ever and I’m sure his send off to Rainbow Bridge was exactly what he wanted…surrounded with his loved ones.

    • Thank you. He was my heart dog. I love all of my pets, but there was something about the connection Tucker and I had. Your thoughts and prayers and positive vibes are greatly appreciated.

  4. Chirpy Cats says:

    I’m reading this with tears streaming down. I’m so sorry for the loss of your wonderful boy Tucker. Sending love and hugs to you and the rest of your furry family ❤️❤️?

    • Thank you for the love and hugs. Tucker touched a lot of people. When I am able, I will find a way to celebrate his life, and I hope you can join me in seeing the joy in my incredible pup.

  5. Random Felines says:

    We are so very sorry. We loves them all but there is sometimes that special soul that touches us just a little deeper and breaks our hearts just a little more.

  6. Jan K says:

    I am so very, very sorry for your loss. While I rarely comment on your posts, I’d been reading Tucker’s story. One post you wrote in particular touched me deeply, maybe so much so that I didn’t even know what to say. I read it as I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for my sister to come out of her appointment for her blood tests before her chemotherapy treatment. I was already in such an emotional place…and your post was so beautiful. I re-read it later, and I checked in to see how Tucker was doing from time to time, and it seemed well. But I know only too well how insidious cancer can be. We lost our first dog, a terrier mix, to cancer (lymphoma) as well. The end also came very suddenly. It doesn’t matter how much you know it’s coming, it still hurts unbearably. The loss is still there, leaving you raw and empty. My heart is with you and your family.

    • Thank you. It means a lot to me when something I’ve written touches someone in some way. And yes, I am raw and empty. Thank you for your support and healing words. I hope your sister is doing well; please accept my prayers for her health.

  7. I know how much Tucker meant to you. I share your grief and tears….

  8. So sorry to hear about your beloved Tucker.
    May your memories give you peace and happiness in the future
    as you remember the happy times.

    Purrs,Georgia,Julie and JJ

  9. Brian Frum says:

    I am so very sorry to hear about your dear Tucker and we send hugs and love your way.

  10. We are so sorry. It is so painful to lose a furry family member.

    The Florida Furkids

    • So true. They leave such a hole in our lives. And are only with us a short time. And yet, we bring more into our hearts and homes, knowing that we’re destined for more heartbreak, but we cannot help ourselves because we love these beautiful souls so much. Thanks for your support and kindness.

  11. I’m sorry for your tremendous loss. One of the things I really like about your blog is that all your furry family members have the spotlight vs. kind of blurring them together like sometimes happens when there’s more than a few furries. I feel like I know Tucker and the hole he left is obvious. We won’t forget him, Susan, I promise. Any time … let me know; I’d love to talk and hear more Tucker stories!

    • Thank you Katherine. I would be delighted to tell you some Tucker stories. There are so many. When I can think a little more clearly, I will be putting together some kind of celebration of his life. I am looking forward to sharing that with you and the rest of Tucker’s fans.

  12. Edith Chase says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. Sending comforting thoughts.

  13. Deziz World says:

    We’re so sorry fur your loss. Tucker was so adorable. We’re sendin’ big hugs and purrayers

    Luv ya’

    Dezi and Raena

  14. We are so very sorry for your loss purrs of comfort and paws of sympathy from all of us here at ATCAD

  15. Joy says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard this has been for you. Cling to the extra time you had together. He was a wonderful boy.

  16. Coryelle says:

    It is sad that Tucker had to leave, but what an incredible life he had, and the beautiful things he brought into all your lives. Thank you for sharing him with all of us. Fly free sweet boy, thanks for all you brought to this world.

  17. Sandy Weinstein says:

    i am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet Tucker. he certainly did not leave this earth without leaving a profound mark on those who knew and loved him. He left way too soon. i know how you feel. you feel like your insides have been gutted. i dont think you ever get over the loss of such a loved one. my oldest girl passed away 3 yrs come Aug 11. i still cry and talk to her. i will stare at her picture for long periods of time. my youngest was very attacked to her and went into deep depression so much so that she needed help from the vet. again, my sympathies in this moment of your loss.

    • Thank you. I am gutted. I lost my Rosie—another terrier lost to cancer, but at 4 years old. That was more than 10 years ago, and I still miss her. I don’t think we ever get over losses. Instead, like the grit that starts a pearl within an oyster, we find ways to live with our grief, to soften it, to find the gratitude and the good times and hold those up to enjoy. It takes a long time, but with support and kind words such as yours, I know I’ll eventually get there. And you are right about my other pets; I am keeping a close eye on Jasper and Lilah. I think Tucker’s death has affected Lilah the most, and I’m doing what I can to let her know she is loved and cared for, and to help her grieve in her own way as well.

  18. Cheryl Chervitz says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know how bad it feels to lose our furbabies. I just had an anniversary of one of my babies I lost 10 years ago, I still think about him every day.

    • Thank you for your kind words. It’s true about these wonderful souls with whom we share our lives. There are only here for a short while, but we love them ever so deeply, and mourn them intensely when they’re gone.

  19. CATachresis says:

    Such heartbreaking news. I am so very sorry for the loss of Tucker! You write so eloquently about him. I send hugs to you and purrs from Austin too. Hugs, Caro ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  20. Mary McNeil says:

    We are so sorry to read about Tucker. Purrayers and POTP to all who love him.

  21. We’re so sorry for your loss. We send you comforting purrs and gentle headbonks. Purrs

  22. da tabbies o trout towne says:

    Godspeed your journey to heaven Tucker; we are truly sorry and send hugs and loves not only to you, but to the family you leave behind as well. We understand how devastated mom and dad are; and will be for some time to come; it’s not easy. ♥♥♥

    Susan; I hope you know if Tucker could speak “person” he would not only say thanx mom and dad …for everything, he would also say; I love you both too, and I always will. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

  23. My most heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you. You blessed your sweet Tucker with a beautiful life, and he will always be with you and waiting for you. Until you meet again.

  24. Ruby says:

    Oh noes! I just saw this post, I am sorry I am so late (Ma has me drugged up like a 60’s hippie at Woodstock!) I can’t believes this! My heart is breaking for you and your pack. You knows that Tucker was my AireBro (I still thinks he has Airedale in his blood! ☺), and I just can’t imagine not seeing that handsome face.
    Sendin’ lots of love and {{{hugs}}} and AireZens your way. And knows we are thinkin’ of you, and that Tucker will have a piece of your heart furevers.
    Ruby ♥

    • Thank you Ruby. I hope you’re ok. My heart is broken. And I agree; I always thought Tucker had some Airedale in him. I didn’t know it when I adopted him, but my dad’s first dog was an Airedale, and he told me how Tucker reminded him of that dog. And, BTW, that dog’s name was Ruby.

  25. zooperson says:

    We grieve with you as sweet Tucker has crossed the Bridge. We have loved knowing him and his pack from afar. He was indeed a special boy, and I know you feel lucky that he was lent to you for those 8 short years. Not nearly long enough, I know and a piece of your heart has broken off for which there is no replacement. Sending prayers for comfort to you and your tribe.

    • Yes, there is a Tucker-shaped hole in my life. I like the thought about him being lent to me. We know that our companions share our lives for such a short time, don’t we. Yet we invite them in anyway, knowing we’ll feel a loss—always too soon. Thank you for your kind and comforting words.

  26. Candy Holmes says:

    I am so so sorry to learn of Tucker’s passing. You gave him the greatest gifts of all: love, excellent care, love, a wonderful life with good humans and fur friends, love, and finally – and hardest of all – you let him go before he was suffering. Oh how I know how hard that is! But personally, I feel it is the most caring thing we can do for them at the end. The hole in your heart will never go away, but the pain will ease until all the joy he gave you is what you feel when you think of him.

Post a Comment

%d bloggers like this: