Haiku by Cat: Hope

at the dinner hour / hope crouches outside the door / waiting for movement #HaikuByCat

I’ll probably be reported to the feline authorities for sharing this, but I have discovered what I believe is a section from The Cat Codex, the top-secret resource that documents all things Cat. To my knowledge, no human has ever had access to this.

This is the section on Doors.

From the Cat Codex:

Chapter 17, Section 3, Paragraph 4

Doors

Closed doors

Situation: Closed doors are forbidden. Obviously there’s something desired or essential on the other side of a closed door that a human / thumbed creature is attempting to prevent a cat from accessing.

Action: Use all resources to demand the opening of the door, including but not limited to:

  1. Scratching at the door

  2. Meowing loudly

  3. Yowling 

  4. Digging under the door

  5. Inserting paws under the door

Note: This applies in all situations, i.e.: 

  1. You are in a room asleep and a door is closed. You must wake up and demand it be opened.

  2. You are outside of a room, and a door is closed. Even if you are far away and you hear the door being closed. Especially if it’s the bathroom. 

Open doors

Situation: Open doors are an invitation. If a door is open, that means whatever is on the other side belongs to the cat. 

Action: Enter the room and perform the appropriate action, according to the circumstances, including but not limited to:

  1. Knocking things off surfaces

  2. Swatting toys under furniture

  3. Climbing the curtains

  4. Searching for dust bunnies

  5. Eating any non-edible bits you discover (Note: Ignore the human when they invariably tell you not to eat it. See Chapter 1, Section 7, Paragraph 11: Food: What To Eat, What Not To Eat, And When To Change Your Mind.)

  6. Walking on top of (including but not limited to:)

A. Laptop

B. Keyboard

C. Lap

D. Any human reading material (particularly if human is currently reading it), including but not limited to:

a. Newspapers

b. Magazines

c. Books

d. Electronic readers

Alternate Action: Stand in the doorway, so all traffic must flow around you.

  1. Variations include:

A. Sitting in the doorway

B. Bathing in the doorway

C. Sleeping in the doorway

Doors that are ajar

Situation: Doors that are ajar require thoughtful consideration, since they are neither completely open or closed.. There are several possible actions. 

Action option 1: Even though there is theoretically enough space for you to walk between the door and the jamb, you may act as if the door is closed. (See: Closed Doors.)

Action option 2: Walk through the open space. It’s possible that a human meant to close the door, but an open door of any kind is an invitation (See: Open Doors) so you may enter and take additional actions as indicated.

Action option 3: Push door open. The most desired form of this action results in the door slamming open. This takes a little strength, and is best performed with an understanding of the physics involved. Recent feline research shows that standing on the hind legs and leaning heavily on the door creates the best leverage for this action.

Action option 4: Wait just outside the door. Rarely used, this option requires a subtle touch to pull off. It is recommended that only experts attempt it. The key to the success of this action is optimal placement, causing the the maximum amount of consternation as humans aren’t expecting a cat immediately upon egress, and the startle factor can instigate the always entertaining Try Not To Trip Over The Cat Maneuver. An added touch post-Maneuver is to shoot a look at the human, including but not limited to:

A. Fear (Requires acting talent)

B. Disappointment

C. Disgust

NOTE: Experts who have achieved their Level 5 CAT can further leverage the situation, by leveraging hunger mode (See Chapter 4, Section 7, Paragraph 3: Modes (Hunger): How to Look Like You’re Starving).

Do your pets have rules about doors?

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Posted in: Haiku, Haiku by Cat

1 Comment on "Haiku by Cat: Hope"

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  1. Leah says:

    Excellent summary of all the ins and outs of doors!

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